neither our fears nor our worries about tomorrow

Most of you who signed up for these blog alerts are probably expecting a report-back about my past three weeks in the Philippines. I know you probably didn’t come here to read about what’s going on back home in my family right now, but it’s all I can think about and I feel like it would be dishonest not to write about it.

So honestly - my heart is really hurting right now.

I received news a few days ago that doctors had found a tumor in my grandmother’s brain. As I write this a few thousand miles and time zones away, she is preparing for a surgery to safely remove as much of it as possible and determine whether or not it is cancerous.

She has already gone through chemotherapy twice in her life. She is the strongest, most selfless, most incredible woman I know. And I want more than anything to physically be there, re-assuring her that everything will be okay and I’ll be with her through it all.

But I can’t offer her my presence, and it’s killing me.

When I got the phone call, my first response was to avoid God. I didn’t want to consider what He could be doing through this. I didn’t want to admit that I needed Him, I just wanted to be sad.

Once I came to my senses, I remembered that God wants to be sad with me, and whether I let myself believe it or not, He’s already feeling my sadness with me. He keeps reminding me that He is not a distant God. He’s close. This is something I didn’t understand in previous storms I’ve been through, so what a blessing it is to know this and hold fast to this now. And what a blessing it is to know I have a team of amazing women here in the Philippines who love the Lord and who love me and who are willing to walk alongside me in my pain right now.

I’m heartbroken that I can’t be there with my Nana. I’m heartbroken that I can’t hold her hand through this and be by her side for the next few months. But I feel like God is inviting me to rejoice in what I can do for her right now - and really, the only thing I can do for her is pray.

In all honesty, I hate how little control I have over this situation, but I find my joy in knowing that God is in control, and I never was to begin with. I find my joy in knowing that my God is good, and He did not cause this to happen nor does He cause any of the things that bring us pain. He doesn’t want us to be in pain, He wants to feel our pain with us. He wants us to lean on Him when we can no longer hold up our heads on our own.

So as hard as it is, I’m still looking up, because I know I’m being invited to do so - and because I know I don’t serve a God far away, but a God walking right beside me.

All that to say - I would really appreciate your prayers / thoughts / support right now. I would be so appreciative if you could be thinking of and praying for my grandma and my whole family, because this has been a lot for all of us.

Pray for healing and that the doctors who operate on her soon would have wisdom as they work. Pray for peace for my grandma (her name is Carol). Pray for peace for my family. And please pray for peace for me, because as much as I know this is in God’s hands, mine are still a bit shaky when I think about all of this.

Thank you for your support. I am SO so grateful for all of you.

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” - Romans 8:38 (NLT)

-bw

PS - I promise my next update will actually be about the ministry we're doing. To briefly summarize, though, it's been really good and really stretching and really beautiful. More on than later.